Today, I Don’t Have Wisdom, Just Honesty

Chaos Before Peace

Today, I don’t have wisdom, just honesty.

This title hits every single core of me.  In my writings, I will always keep it real and I will always be honest!  So here it is:

I’m angry. I’m tired. I’m scared.  I am having the biggest spiritual battle as I am struggling with life.

Not the pretty kind of scared that inspires growth quotes, the real kind that scares the crap out of you!  The kind that keeps you up at night replaying everything that’s gone wrong, and makes you question if you’re still walking in purpose, or if maybe you took a wrong turn somewhere back when life still felt manageable.

I keep thinking about how easy it is to write about faith when everything’s fine. But what about when it’s not?  What about when everything around you feels like it is crashing down around you?  When you’re the one trying to find hope in the wreckage, the one praying but not feeling a single whisper back?

Nothing but deafening silence.

I know I have written before about the silence, how silence is not punishment or failure, but God working on His plan.  But sometimes, it feels like the deepest hole that is impossible climb out of, and that’s where I am right now.  If you are too, keep reading, hopefully this will help you like it has helped me.

When Faith Feels Far Away

I wish I could say I’m handling it gracefully, that I’m patient and centered and grateful for the lessons, but today? I’m not. I’m frustrated that doing the right thing doesn’t always lead to the right outcome.  I’m angry that life can flip overnight and doesn’t ask permission before it does, and I’m scared because I don’t know how long it’s going to take to recover this time. This is the biggest fear and the hardest to calm down from.  It’s in my head, like a song on replay, so annoying, but allowing the fear to grow louder and stronger.  I know I need to calm down, breathe, remind myself that things will be ok.

Through all of this, the loud fear, the frustration, and the anger at God, (yes, I can be real about this, we all get angry at Him from time to time, but he does have a sense of humor and overlooks at times).  I know He is here, and I still talk to Him.  Maybe that’s faith too. Not the polished Sunday kind, but the raw whisper that says, “I don’t understand this, but I’m not walking away either.”

Maybe faith is just refusing to hang up the phone, even when the line feels quiet.

The Weight of Still Showing Up

When I am in this place of anger and frustration, life doesn’t stop, it keeps moving.  I still have to work, because bills still have to be paid.  Family still needs me and my business still needs to grow.  My responsibilities are still screaming at me from the top of the hole, get your ass out of there.  It’s exhausting! Feelings all over the place, and I am trying to be strong for everyone.  I have to climb out because I still have to show up!  I have perfected the art of crying quietly and moving forward.

I still show up because I have to, for my family, for my responsibilities, for my future self.  Some days, showing up feels like dragging myself across broken glass while pretending it’s sand.  I smile in meetings, nod through conversations, and later sit in my car wondering if anyone else can tell that I’m barely hanging on.  Still, I keep showing up. Because deep down, I know consistency will carry me when confidence can’t.  Maybe that’s the real definition of perseverance, doing what you can, even when you no longer feel like the person who started the journey.

Maybe Honesty Is the Healing

The hardest pill to swallow through all this, realizing I can’t fix it.  I can’t schedule, plan, or work my way out of every storm, and that hurts, because control feels safe, it makes me believe I’m capable of keeping my world from falling apart.  But this? This is surrender school, and I’m learning that sometimes God lets the walls crumble not to punish me, but to rebuild me differently.  It just feels like silence because I haven’t stopped panicking long enough to listen.

Right now, I don’t have a five-step comeback plan.  I don’t have a quote that wraps this all up in a bow.  I just have honesty, and that’s starting to feel like enough.  Because maybe healing doesn’t begin with motivation or miracles.  Maybe it starts with truth, spoken out loud, without shame.  Maybe it’s admitting, “I’m not okay today,” and letting that be my prayer.

I don’t think God’s disappointed by that.  I think He leans in closer.  Because honesty is intimacy and He can work with real a lot easier than He can work with pretend.

One Honest Step

Today, I don’t have wisdom, just honesty.  Here’s where I am: still tired, still uncertain, but still trying.  Still writing, even when the words feel heavy.  Still believing, even when belief looks more like stubbornness than confidence.

Right now, I don’t have wisdom, but I do have honesty, and maybe that’s what gets me through.  Maybe that’s how we start again.  Not with clarity or strength, but with the quiet courage to tell the truth.

I want you to do this reflection with me, once you do it, drop a comment, your story, your struggle.

Write this sentence at the top of your page:

“Today, I don’t have wisdom. Just honesty.”

Then finish it. Don’t edit. Don’t censor. Let it pour out, all of it.  The frustration, the fear, the exhaustion, the hope you’re still holding onto.
Use today to start your own Dump Journal, because sometimes, writing the truth is what creates the space for healing to begin.

Keep this journal handy, we will add to it each week as we continue this series.  SmartrWomen is not only teaching women about business, it is coming together, sharing our struggles, learning through our frustrations, and strengthening our spirit, our faith in God.  It is about personal growth, keeping it real, rooted, and continuing to rise above the chaos.

Raw. Rooted. Rising. = Unstoppable Legacy