After a couple of days of journaling, meditating, and reflecting on my first trip, I was ready for the second. I was eager to get back to where I had been and go further. I wondered what deeper (or higher?) states of consciousness lie beyond what I had experienced on Trip One. I had read about the dissolution of the ego and desired to reach that point. I felt I had only skimmed the surface of such a state and I wanted to experience it on a deeper level. As profound an experience as Trip One, I was still very much aware of myself throughout and thus, was somehow separate from all I witnessed. The mushrooms had revealed that I was a part of the universe and it, a part of me, but there was a dichotomy that I wanted to break through. 

The pre-trip ritual, and method of ingesting the mushrooms were the same as the previous trip. I settled back onto my mat as the initial wave of the psychoactive compounds wash over me. The sensations intensified and I had the strangest feeling of a lack of corporal knowledge. The song that was playing in my headphones referenced body parts and I couldn’t for the life of me place where they were in relation to my own body. I continued to lie on my mat, waiting for more to occur. I waited, but nothing beyond peculiar sensations in my body presented and those were already subsiding. The trip was not going as I had hoped and I began to feel frustrated. I questioned my actions: Had I had too strong of intentions and expectations for this round and that was affecting the unfolding? Had my body built up a tolerance after the first dose? Was the time between trips too short? Had I not taken enough mushrooms, considering how close together the trips were? The trip was quite subdued despite my dosage of 4.25 grams. Was I trying too hard to gain insights and have a mystical experience?

I attempted to meditate and focus on my breath but found this too challenging. I couldn’t stem the flow of frustrated feelings and thoughts of disappointment with the trip. I took a deep breath and tried to let go but nothing changed. I decided to call it, tidy up my things, and headed back downstairs to go to bed.

If nothing else, trip two taught me about releasing control and letting go of expectations, which is a pretty good lesson for life. After all, the only thing that is certain in life, is uncertainty. We gain comfort in false senses of security, whether it be our jobs, relationships, or financial situations. In reality, all or any of these can change in an instant. 

In the days preceding the third trip, I focused on releasing all frustration around trip two and worked on letting go of all expectations and control of the next and final journey. I say final, because for at least the foreseeable future (I was about to be a father for the second time), I would need to be very present and focus my energy on my wife and children. More psychedelic excursions were simply off the table.

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